I need to learn to be more assertive. I have a lot of trouble with it, because I don’t particularly like it when people are assertive with me. so I guess I need to learn to be assertive as to not be a dick?… because people kind of bug me when they are assertive.
I let people go first, I wait back… which I suppose, isn’t always a bad thing. in fact, it definitely has it’s advantages.
I have been slightly untrusting of people these days. whether it is the onset of winter, or the stress of a holiday season…. everyone is looking to score. schemes are abound, and I feel the energy of contemplation permeating the air. people frighten me when they are plotting, because they will stop at nothing to get whatever it is that they want…. and I won’t
because I have trouble asserting myself.
if I were a psychologist, I might conclude that my being brought up without a present male figure might have something to do with my passive demeanor. I directly inherited my mother’s insecurities about imposition.
however, there is something that I taught myself… I taught myself to remain detached…. I wonder if I perhaps I learned this from my father?…. he, so easily detached from me during childhood. now before you judge him or assume that this was a bad lesson…. wait…. hear me out. his absence and detachment taught me to be self reliant and without expectation. (although it has taken me many years to realize this).
….. so I let people go ahead of me. because I am detached from that which I want. because I understand that someone wants it more than I.
…… so I sit back and practice….. not asserting myself.